“We will figure it out”

It drives  (drove) me positively insane… “We will figure it out”.

Between the two of us, my husband is the optimist who is far more prepared to handle a lot of conflict, and stress, than I am over prolonged, complex, periods. I am the ‘survivor’… the fighter who can “save” us from extreme crises in the moment because I am designed to be the warrior, the savior, and then devolve into a puddle post-traumatic event and need to be cared for and coaxed back to life after all of my energy is spent on ‘surviving’. We honestly balance each other out in ways I didn’t think possible. Maybe him balancing me out more so than the reverse.

When I am faced with an opportunity that terrifies me and, also, excites me – his response to every conflict, worry, virtually everything I can throw at him is… “We will figure it out” in this calm demeanor that sets me at ease and simultaneously makes me jealous of his innate ability to believe that no matter what ‘it will be fine’. I used to get so angry when he would say this since my response was to panic, freak out, and worry about every variable that may or may not (more likely) happen while assuming that he couldn’t possibly know that it would ‘work out’… when in reality, I had to learn that it was a commitment to me and not a guarantee and not that everything would be perfect.

In experiences past, I found myself weighing the options and pushing the other person in that scenario, who was “more likely to be successful” towards their goals and their dreams; I neatly placed all of mine in a tiny little box, where I could admire them when I was alone, and then closed the lid on the box and moved on and assumed that they were a necessary sacrifice – something left to be admired in a sad, bittersweet, longing, way – never to be pursued. All the things that were ‘mine’ were a necessary sacrifice.

Now. I find myself feeling supported and empowered to seek all of the great things that make me happy that circle back to, also, benefit my family in the long term. I find myself hearing – “We will figure it out”. I used to hate this. I used to feel like this was profoundly patronizing – but being married to an all around devoted person… I found that I give myself ‘permission’ more often, in advance, than I would otherwise – because I have trust that we are a team and the we will indeed figure it out. No longer does the phrase give me a profound frustration and anxiety – it is a comfort that gives me renewed faith, not that it was ever lost, in us and what comes next.  I am far less afraid of failure with a partner that isn’t afraid of “failures”, mine or anyone else’ for which I have an investment.

On that note – today was a pretty cool day. I am embarking on a new adventure that would potentially change the course we have set out for ourselves, but ultimately circle us back to where we want to be. I rushed across the city sidewalk in a far busier location, in the heart of downtown, than I am used to and still felt surprisingly calm once I actually got out of my car put my heels on the pavement. I was surprised at how calm I actually was today- it was an eerie calm, almost like I didn’t feel like I needed to worry and that I would receive the mentoring and guidance that I needed to be successful and that this would make all of the difference…For the first time in a couple years I was the “expert” in NOTHING… Not that I was ever an “expert” in my current position, but I am definitely a strong asset in certain aspects of my functional certifications – I am often sought out for answers on certain functional anomalies, etc… which gives me confidence in my day-to-day. Now. I know (almost) nothing and its a level of anxiety that I am not used to but… its really exciting! I love that I work for a company that is extremely supportive of my goals/wants/development needs and says no to almost nothing that is needed to ensure that I get ‘there’, wherever ‘there’ is…

Today – I am cautiously excited about this. I was *probably* the oldest person on the non-management personnel list… and the only one with kids (Yes, the only one. I felt like Chandler in the episode of Friends where he was working for a marketing company with dozen upon dozens of people half his age – even though lets be real, I am 32… they are not that much younger… but either way, I had my moments.). Everyone extremely helpful and committed to guiding me through the process.

Today, I am cautiously optimistic and less anxious because I know ‘we will figure it out’.

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